Bad Hair Day for the FF7 Boys!
by Beautiful Tenshi
Summary: CHAPTER 7 is for RUDE! (Yes, Rude) In the world of FF7, something unspeakable happens...a Bad Hair Day! First up is CLOUD!
1. Cloud Strife's bad hair day!

DISCLAIMER: Okay here goes...I don't own any of the characters used in this story, Square Soft does. So if you are from Square Soft and you just so happen to read this, please don't sue me! Oh, and I don't own Elmer Fudd or his voice either!  
  
Author's Notes: Well, this is kind of different from what I usually write so bear with me! I don't have the best sense of humor in the world! The chapters are gonna be short and each chapter will be for a separate character. I NEED REVIEWS!!! SO REVIEW!!! (Please?)  
  
It has been two years since Meteor and Sephiroth were destroyed, and Cloud Strife has settled back into his home at Nibelheim with his Gold Chocobo, Choco.

He awoke one morning to what he thought would be another normal day, but boy was he wrong...  
  
Cloud: (walks into the bathroom and looks in the mirror) "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! What the frickin' hell?! My hair!!!"   
  
Cloud's hair is way more spiky than usual...not one strand is stuck flat against his head, instead they are all sticking up as if he got attacked by a hair dryer. Suddenly, Tifa sees the door open to Cloud's house and runs inside fearing for the worst.  
  
Tifa: "Cloud!? Cloud, are you here? Are you okay? I saw the door open and-"   
  
Cloud: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
Tifa's eyes widen and she runs toward the sound of Cloud's scream. She finds him standing in the middle of the bathroom, still clad in his pajamas, shaking and staring at his comb.  
  
Tifa: "Cloud? Cloud what is it?! Why did you scream?! And why are you shaking?!"  
  
Cloud points to his hair and starts to whimper. Within moments, he breaks fully into tears.  
  
Cloud: "My h-hair!!! When I w-woke up it was like this! A-a-and the comb doesn't help! It keeps p-popping right back up!!!"  
  
Tifa stares at him in amazement for a few moments, and then frowns. She looks him in the eyes and then shakes her fist at him.  
  
Tifa: "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU SCREAMED BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID HAIR?!?!?!?! I SAW THE DOOR OPEN AND I WAS WORRIED YOU GOT ROBBED OR KIDNAPPED OR SOMETHING, AND I FIND YOU HERE CRYING OVER YOUR HAIR?!?!?!?!?!"  
  
She continues to look at Cloud in disbelief until he finally breaks the silence, now he is mad as well.  
  
Cloud: "Stupid?! STUPID?! I'll tell you one thing Tifa, if anything my hair is spiky and a bit different but it is not stupid! Normally, it is cute!"  
  
Tifa: "So what happened then?"  
  
Cloud: "Well, err...maybe...maybe I had a nightmare or something and I tried to get away from whatever it was, and I just don't remember it...yeah."  
  
Tifa rolls her eyes and puts her hands on her hips. She stares at him for a few minutes more and then smirks.  
  
Tifa: "Then why don't you fix it with your gel?"  
  
Cloud: (brightens) "Oh! Good idea!"  
  
Cloud opens the cabinet above the sink and looks for his bottle of gel but finds it gone. Then he realizes he is stepping in something wet and slimy. It is a small drop of his hair gel.  
  
Cloud: "My hair gel!!!!! What is it doing on the floor!?!?!?! And why the hell is it not in my cabinet?!"  
  
Tifa: (laughs) "Maybe it doesn't like you anymore! Or it got so scared from looking at your hair everyday!"  
  
Cloud: "Oh shut up, Tifa! I liked Aeris better than you anyway!"  
  
Tifa stops laughing and gasps. The same look of disbelief she had on her face before reappears.  
  
Tifa: "Well, I never!"  
  
Cloud sticks his tongue out at her and looks back at the floor. He sees a trail of the hair gel drops and starts to follow it. Once he reaches the living room, he notices that the drops have turned into the shape of a large bird's foot. He realizes right away who they belong too...  
  
Cloud: (in a low, menacing voice) Oh hell no! That bird is so dead...!"  
  
He dashes over to the pegs on the wall that holds his Buster Sword. He grabs it and runs out of the house with Tifa following close behind.  
  
Tifa: "Now where are you going?!"  
  
Cloud: "To kill the most evil creature on the planet!"  
  
Tifa: "But we did that two years ago!"  
  
Cloud: "Well, there's a new one now!"  
  
Cloud runs to the small chocobo stable that he and Cid had built behind his house. He kicks open the small picket fence's gate and runs to the stable's door.  
  
Cloud: "Alright you fiendish fowl! Where in Jenova are you?!"  
  
Tifa: "Cloud! Duh it's here in the stable!"  
  
Cloud: (in Elmer Fudd's voice) "Shhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting for chocobos!"  
  
Tifa gives him a 'what the hell?!' look but then follows his instruction. Cloud creeps deeper into the stable toward Choco's stall. Tifa follows slowly, scared that it might jump out at any second.  
  
Tifa: (whispers) "Cloud? Are you sure this is the right thing to do? This seems a bit drastic!"  
  
Cloud: (whispers) "Of course!"  
  
They creep up to Choco's stall and Choco is standing outside. The tracks of gel end at its feet, and an empty gel bottle lies on the ground beside them. Cloud prepares to attack, raising his sword above his head and running toward Choco. Tifa stands back to watch when Cid pops out from behind Choco, holding a styling comb in his hand.  
  
Cid: "Oh hi Tifa, hi Cloud, how are you guys to-CLOUD!!! What the $%#& hell do you think you're about to $%#& do?!?!?!?!?!?!"  
  
Cloud rushes toward Choco, ignoring Cid's outburst and getting ready to cleave the giant bird in two.  
  
Cloud: "You will pay for your unspeakable crime against humanity, you hideous, demonic, incarnation of thievery!!!!!!"  
  
Cid: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Cid leaps to push the bird out of the way but it is too late, Cloud is already close enough to destroy it just as he wishes.  
  
Cloud: "OMNISLASH!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Cloud runs around doing his best limit break and soon Choco is nothing more but choco-chops. (Kinda like pork chops, but the chocobo kind.)  
  
Cid: "Choco!!! Nooo!!!!! Cloud! Why did you do that?!"  
  
Cloud: "Because it stole my gel!!!! That's why!!!"  
  
Cid: "Choco didn't steal your gel, I did!!!!"  
  
Cloud: "Oh well!"  
  
Cid: "But I was gonna enter Choco into a beauty contest and-"  
  
Cid stops mid sentence, finding that Cloud is staring at him with a murderous gleam in his eye.  
  
Cloud: "Wait a minute, YOU stole my gel?"  
  
Cloud moves toward Cid, raising his sword once more. Cid starts to back up and trembles.  
  
Cid: "Now Cloud, let's be reasonable..."  
  
Tifa: "Cloud! Choco was one thing but not Cid!"  
  
Cloud: (pouts) "Fine! But he's gotta buy me gel for the rest of the year!"  
  
Cid: "Okay! Anything!"  
  
Cloud lowers his sword and then backs off. Cid sighs heavily and then smiles at Tifa.  
  
Cloud: (looking at the pieces of Choco lying all around) "Well, even if I don't have my gel, I can at least have a good dinner!"  
  
The End!  
  
Author's Notes: Okay, this is more violent than I intended it to be but the next chapters won't be as bad. If you liked this or have a request then please review! I need some ideas for the next chapters! I am thinking of doing Rufus and Reno but I'm undecided. So if there is a FF7 boy YOU want in this, then just put it in your review...okay I'm gonna go before I get too repetitious! Ciao! :)


	2. Rufus Shinra's bad hair day!

DISCLAIMER: Oh yay! I get to do another one of these! (Small bit of sarcasm there) I don't own any of the FF7 characters in this story; they all belong to the nice people at Square Soft. (No fair!)  
  
Author's Notes: Yay! I got two reviews already! My thanks go to The Flower Girl and Agent0042 for reading and reviewing my story! Wow, I never thought about Red before-good idea! I'll see what I can do! :) Yuffie? Sounds awesome! I can change the title I bet, and then it will work! :) Okay, this chapter is for Rufus.  
  
This chapter takes place at the same time as the previous one, but since it has been two years since Meteor and Sephiroth were destroyed, the Shinra HQ in Midgar has been rebuilt. Which is where our story begins...  
  
Rufus Shinra awoke in his bedroom on the 45th floor. (A.N. Well you go from floor one to 59 in the game, so what about the other floors? They have to be used for something!) He looked over at his alarm clock which read 4:15 am.  
  
Rufus: "Well, an early start is better than a late one..."  
  
He threw back the big black comforter on his bed and trudged into the bathroom, trying to flick the loose strands of his hair behind his ear...but three small pieces of it just wouldn't cooperate. He turned on the lights and looked in the mirror.  
  
Rufus: "What in the name of SHINRA?! Oh God...I look like that SOLDIER-reject Cloud!!! Well, maybe not that bad...I could NEVER look that bad..."  
  
Rufus smirks at his reflection in the mirror, and then goes back to trying to get the loose strands behind his ear again. After several tries at it, he gives up and goes back to his dresser for his gel and comb. He feels around for them, but they aren't there, so he turns on his overhead light to see if he left them somewhere else.   
  
Rufus: "Well, that's funny...I could've sworn I left them here yesterday."  
  
He starts tearing through his dresser throwing his clothes all over the floor. Five minutes go by and he still hasn't found them, all he has accomplished is making a big mess in his room.  
  
Rufus: "I swear if this is another one of Reno's pranks again, he is not getting his next ten paychecks!!!"  
  
Rufus stands up, kicks his clothes aside, and grabs his phone from off of the side table near his bed. Instead of calling Reno though, he calls Tseng. (A.N. Yes Tseng, I had him revived for this chapter, mwa ha ha! And Rufus too, obviously…) The phone rings twice and he starts to get impatient.  
  
Rufus: "Damn it Tseng, pick up your phone!"  
  
As if on cue, Tseng picks up right as Rufus is saying this. He moves the phone away from his ear until Rufus is done yelling, and then he answers.  
  
Tseng: "...Sir?"  
  
Rufus: "Oh hi Tseng, listen we have an emergency!"  
  
Tseng sat and thought for a moment about what kind of emergency it could possibly be, but came up with nothing.  
  
Tseng: "Sir, you do know what time it is don't you?"  
  
Rufus: "Of course Tseng, it's 4:32."  
  
Tseng: "Exactly. 4:32 in the MORNING."  
  
Rufus: "Yes, and there is an EMERGENCY that I need you to help me take care of."  
  
Tseng grumbles, but gets out of his bed and turns on the light. He opens his closet and gets out his Turk uniform, laying it on the bed.  
  
Tseng: "Fine...give me a few minutes to get ready and I'll meet you outside my door."  
  
Rufus: "Thank you, Tseng."  
  
Tseng, thinking that Rufus has already hung up, starts to badmouth him since he woke him up so early.  
  
Tseng: "I don't know why I still work here, considering that spoiled rotten, stuck up, rich brat is in cha-"  
  
Rufus: "I heard that, Tseng! I am none of those things! And I pay you very well! If you don't want your job then I can easily find a replaceme-"  
  
Tseng: "No sir, it's not that sir, I'm just very tired sir! I really do want my job!"  
  
Rufus: "Fine then, now hurry up and get dressed already!"  
  
Tseng: "Yes sir!"  
  
Tseng hangs up the phone, and Rufus hangs up his. He chuckles as he changes into his white business suit.  
  
Rufus: "Works every time..."  
  
Once he is ready, he kicks more of his clothes out of the way and walks to Tseng's room. He waits for a few minutes and then Tseng comes out fixing his tie.  
  
Tseng: "Oh, you're here already."  
  
Rufus: "Yes, ready to go?"  
  
Tseng: "Yes sir, but if I may ask one thing."  
  
Rufus: "Shoot."  
  
Tseng: "What is this emergency we have to take care of?"  
  
Rufus: "(pointing to the three pieces of hair sticking straight up on his head) I can't find my gel and comb, and as you can see my hair is a mess. (pouts) I refuse to do anything unless my hair is perfect for the day, and I have a suspicion that Reno is behind this whole thing!"  
  
If Tseng wasn't so good-natured, he would've clobbered Rufus over the head right then and there. But since he WAS so good-natured, he put his hands behind his back and nodded.  
  
Tseng: "I...see...well...I suppose we should get going, then?"  
  
Rufus: "Yes, there is no time to waste! My beautiful hair depends on it! (pouts)"  
  
Tseng: "(mumbles) Beautiful? Well, that's definitely debatable..."  
  
Rufus: "What was that, Tseng?"  
  
Tseng: "Oh nothing, sir. I was just talking to myself."  
  
Rufus: "Yes, I see that. (mumbles) You crazy bastard..."  
  
Tseng: "What sir?"  
  
Rufus: "Oh nothing...let's go."  
  
Rufus and Tseng storm down the hallway to Reno's room, and Rufus pounds on the door.  
  
Rufus: "Reno! Wake up right now! And open this door! I need to talk to you!!!"  
  
Reno opens the door so fast that Rufus accidentally hits him in the head, making Reno angrier then when he first heard someone pounding on his door and realizing how early it was.  
  
Reno: "Owwwww!!!!! What's the big $%#& deal here!? I am TRYING to sleep!! Just who the hell do you think you are, coming and knocking on my damn door this early in the morning!?"  
  
Reno finally looks at who he is screaming at after rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He sees a very shocked Rufus standing before him, his jaw hanging open as if he had just been hit very hard and not expected it.  
  
Rufus: "Wh-what did you just say to me?!"  
  
Reno: "(scratches the back of his head) Oh, heh heh...hi boss! How are you this very nice morning?"  
  
Rufus: "Nice try! Reno, if you value your job and your LIFE, you will NEVER say something like that to me again!"  
  
Reno: "Sure thing, but what's the big deal waking me up so early?! Couldn't you find one of the others to go bother?! Not that it matters, since everyone else is either sleeping or at least TRYING to!"  
  
Rufus: "(clears throat and steps aside so Reno can see Tseng) Oh really?"  
  
Reno: "Oh heh heh, my mistake."  
  
Rufus: "One of the many...I came here to see you, and if there are any problems...let's just say Tseng will take care of them."  
  
Reno: "(grumbles) Fine. What do you need boss?"  
  
Rufus: "I NEED my gel! AND my comb! Where are they, Reno?!"  
  
Reno: "What?! What the hell are you talking about?!"  
  
Rufus: "My hair gel and comb! Where are they!? Is this another one of your pranks?!"  
  
Reno: "No!!!"  
  
Rufus steps back and allows himself and Reno to calm down for a minute or two before continuing.  
  
Rufus: "Oh, I see...sorry. I'll see you at work at the usual time then."  
  
Reno: "Grrr…whatever, Dufus."  
  
Reno slides the door shut and goes back to bed before Rufus can even say anything.  
  
Tseng: "Hmm...I think that went very well, sir."  
  
Rufus: "Shut up!!!"  
  
Tseng: "(chuckles) Now where do we go?"  
  
Rufus stops and thinks for a minute, and then he sees something big and black out of the corner of his eye.  
  
Rufus: "Dark Nation?"  
  
Tseng turns around and follows Rufus' gaze to see Dark Nation slowly walking towards them. The giant panther wobbles and is walking in a wavy line before it collapses in front of them. Rufus and Tseng rush over to it, Rufus almost in tears.  
  
Tseng: "What did you feed it?"  
  
Rufus: "Nothing yet!"  
  
Tseng: "Uh-oh..."  
  
Rufus: "What do you mean uh-oh?! Don't say uh-oh!!"  
  
Tseng: "Uh-oh?"  
  
Rufus glares at Tseng who offers a cheesy smile in return, and then he goes back to looking over Dark Nation.  
  
Rufus: "Fine, what is 'uh-oh' for?"  
  
Tseng: "I think it ate something bad...I think it ate your gel...and maybe your comb. Look..."  
  
Tseng points to one of Dark Nation's teeth, and sure enough some of Rufus' gel is on it. Half of his comb is sticking out of its mouth as well.  
  
Rufus: "Oh no!!"  
  
Tseng: "Either that, or that is the strangest form of alcohol I have ever seen in my life."  
  
Rufus just starts to glare at Tseng again for his new comment, so Tseng backs up a little.  
  
Tseng: "Hey, it was just a thought...fine. I won't ever joke around about your pet panther again."  
  
Rufus: "(sulking) That's not what I'm upset about!"  
  
Tseng: "Oh? Then what are you upset about?"  
  
Rufus continues to sulk and pout for a few moments more, until he starts to cry in front of a very surprised Tseng.  
  
Rufus: "It-i-it........IT ATE MY GEL!!!!!! (sobs loudly)"  
  
Tseng: "You're joking, right?"  
  
Rufus: "Does it l-look like it?! What am I gonna d-do?! My poor hair is ruined!!! Ruined Tseng!!! Big dumbass panther had to get hungry!!!"  
  
Tseng, watching this whole episode; could hardly believe his eyes. Here he was working for the richest man in the WORLD, and he saw that this man was now crying not because his pet might die from a rare case of what one would call 'food poisoning', if one could even call it that, but because his hair gel was eaten.  
  
Tseng: "Sir, I don't mean to be rude but isn't your pet's health in danger right now?"  
  
Rufus: "Screw it's health!! It shouldn't have eaten my gel damn it!!!"  
  
Tseng: "But sir...you can always go out and buy more, you can't go out and buy another Dark Nation."  
  
Rufus stops crying for a minute, considering this new idea of Tseng's. Tseng watches him curiously, wondering if he will burst into tears again.  
  
Rufus: "Hmm...(sniff!) Maybe you're right; after all...a little fear does control the minds of the common people. There was never any need to waste money on them...which means...I HAVE TONS OF MONEY TO BUY HAIR GEL WITH!!!!! WOO-HOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Tseng jumps a little at his sudden outburst, and then Elena's bedroom door opens slightly.  
  
Elena: "SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!! PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING HERE!!!!!!!"  
  
Elena takes one of her high heels and throws it at Rufus, being so tired she doesn't notice it is him just like Reno didn't fifteen minutes ago.  
  
WHAM!  
  
The shoe hits Rufus right in the head and he passes out onto Dark Nation. Tseng sighs happily as he takes out his cell phone. He dials an ambulance for Dark Nation and Rufus, who might need an ice pack or two if he wants to work sometime that day.  
  
Tseng: "I have the best girlfriend in the world..."  
  
The End!  
  
Author's Notes: Wow! I didn't think it would be this long! Or this crazy! Well, I hope you guys like it. Rufus is one of my favorites and for some reason I couldn't help but make him a bit...well, ditzy. Two reviews already! YAY!!! Sorry, can't help it. :) I don't know if this is as funny as the last one but I sure hope it is, if not more! Hey, I tried! So, if you read this...(you probably know the next part)...REVIEW!!! Please??? :)


	3. Vincent Valentine's bad hair day!

  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the FF7 characters used in this story, and (unfortunately) I never will. Square Soft owns all the rights to them...(which is still not fair, but...oh well...)  
  
Author's Notes: Ahhh! More reviews?! You guys rock! I am so glad you like it so far! And now for Chapter 3! I hope you like this Crystalis...because this chapter is for...Vincent! :) Now this one I am really nervous about...but if you read it, tell me what you think! :) This is still two years after the game but it is going to be on a different day. Oh, and Agent 0042? Yuffie is in this one just for you...I hope she isn't too ooc.  
  
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Once Sephiroth and Meteor had been beaten, all of the Avalanche members had returned to their respective homes. Red XIII to Cosmo Canyon, Barret to Corel, Cid to Rocket Town, Yuffie to Wutai, Cait Sith to Midgar in the Shinra HQ, and Cloud and Tifa to Nibelheim (A.N. as you have seen in a previous chapter)...but there was also one other person who had returned to Nibelheim. And that person's name was...Vincent Valentine.  
  
Deep inside the basement of the Shinra Mansion, Vincent stirred in his coffin. He had pretty much just slept ever since he had returned to Nibelheim, but now he was waking up for the first time in two years.  
  
Vincent: (yawns) Well, that was a good rest...hmm...I wonder what day it is?  
  
He had hung a calender on the wall and had trained his pet bat Lucrecia (A.N. Yes, Lucrecia...), to take a marker and put an X over each space for every day that Vincent slept through.  
  
Vincent: October 13th? Ah...my favorite day of the year. It's the only day where nothing goes wrong for me.   
  
That was true in the past, but not today...even if it was his birthday, Vincent had no clue at all how bad this day would go.  
  
Lucrecia:   
  
Vincent: Hello, my pet. How are you today?  
  
Lucrecia:   
  
Vincent: Well, that's good.  
  
Suddenly, Vincent hears a strange noise coming from outside of his room. It sounded like people talking and trying to open the door.  
  
Tifa: Do you think he's in there?  
  
Cid: How in the hell should I know?! Do I look like a damn rocket scientist to you?!  
  
Red XIII: Actually, Cid-  
  
Cid: Yeah alright, alright already! It was a bad analogy okay?! Lay the $#%^ off!  
  
Yuffie: Are you guys done yet? Come on, I wanna get this over with so I can go back to materia hunting!  
  
Cait Sith: You mean stealing?  
  
Yuffie: No! Hunting!  
  
Cait Sith: Uh-huh...sure Yuffie. Whatever you say...  
  
Yuffie: Hey, you haven't always told the truth yourself, you know! Mr. Spy...  
  
Cait Sith: (sniffles!) Now why did you have to go and bring that up?  
  
Barret: Aw now look what ya did, ya stupid ninja! Now he's gone and started cryin' again!  
  
Yuffie: It's not my fault he's over sensitive!  
  
Tifa: Cloud? You brought some of his medicine right?  
  
Cloud: (chewing) Huh? Oh yeah...hold on.  
  
Tifa: Cloud! Those are pills for Cait Sith! Not you!  
  
Cloud: (still chewing) I couldn't help it! (crunch) They were pretty and they looked so yummy...(crunch crunch)...and look at that! They even have a little tiny mog on them!  
  
Cloud holds up one of the pills so that Tifa and the others can see it. Tifa just rolls her eyes as everyone stares at Cloud.  
  
Tifa:   
  
Cloud:   
  
Yuffie: Um, can we please focus on the problem at hand here!?  
  
Cid: Which would be your big damn mouth!? Sure!  
  
Cid raises his spear at Yuffie, but Red XIII intervenes. He growls and then bites Cid right in the butt.  
  
Red XIII:   
  
Cid: Owww! Get this $@%^#& thing the #@$% off me!!!!  
  
Cid begins to run around with Red XIII still biting his butt, and everyone starts to laugh.  
  
Tifa: I always wondered why he ran so funny...  
  
Once Red XIII lets go of Cid, the group allows him to recuperate before turning back to Cloud...who is still happily eating Cait Sith's medicine.  
  
Barret: Awright Cloud, stop eating the damn pills and give em to the over stuffed bear who's suppose'ta have   
  
Cloud: (pouts) Fine then...but I want some later!  
  
Tifa: I'm sure we can have that arranged...it only takes one phone call to reach the men in white suits...  
  
Cloud: Oh my God! They cloned Rufus?! Since when?!  
  
Cid: Not Rufus you damn numbskull! The people who work at the @#^&%$ insane asylum!  
  
Cloud: Oh...okay? Why would we call them for the pills though?  
  
Red XIII: Nevermind Cloud, just ignore them and give the pills to Cait Sith.  
  
Cloud listens to Red XIII and puts the rest of the pills in Cait Sith's paw. Cait Sith sniffles a few more times but doesn't eat the pills.  
  
Cait Sith: (sniffles) I am not an over stuffed b-bear! And I don't n-need them!  
  
Yuffie: Cait Sith, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, I was just mad that's all. Will you please take your medicine?  
  
Cait Sith: B-but I don't need it.  
  
Yuffie: No one thinks they need it, but they take it anyway. Just like Cloud, see? He never thought he would need the pills but he took them.  
  
Cait Sith looks past Yuffie to see Cloud standing in front of the door, staring at his sword and laughing.  
  
Cloud: Hee hee, I have a big sword...ha ha ha...hee hee.  
  
Cait Sith: But he's acting funny!  
  
Tifa: Are you sure? He's acting normal to me...  
  
Cait Sith: But, really you guys...I don't need the pills.  
  
Yuffie: Pleeeeease Cait Sith?  
  
Cait Sith:   
  
Cid: JUST TAKE THE DAMN THINGS BEFORE SHE DECIDES TO PLAY FRISBEE WITH THAT SHURIKEN OF HERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cait Sith: (meekly) Okay...  
  
Cait Sith takes the pills and after a few moments a smile appears on his face. He starts to hop around the group and then grabs Cid's spear. He sticks it in the ground and hops around it, happily singing.  
  
Cait Sith: Livin' la vida loca!  
  
Tifa: Oh please no...anything but this!  
  
Barret: Awright! Ya better quit right now ya damn fur ball, before I pump your big stuffed ass fulla lead!  
  
Cait Sith: ...Party pooper!  
  
Red XIII: Now...back to the ORIGINAL problem. We need to find out if Vincent is in there or not.  
  
Cait Sith: Well, that's easy...just call out to him. Here Cloud, use my microphone.  
  
Barret: Well, I'll be a chocobo's uncle...maybe da pills do work.  
  
Cloud: Hee hee...ewww! Man this thing reeks!  
  
Cait Sith: EXCUSE me for having nachos for lunch!  
  
Cloud grimaces but puts the small microphone up to his lips anyway. Everyone watches and waits for him to speak.  
  
Cloud: Vincent! Are you in there?  
  
No reply.  
  
Tifa: Why don't you try knocking instead?  
  
Cloud: Hee hee...okay.  
  
Cloud gives Cait Sith his microphone back and then knocks on Vincent's door.  
  
Still no answer.  
  
Barret: Aw the hell wit' it! Cloud just open the door!  
  
Cloud tries, but the door won't budge. Frustrated, he kicks it once but it still doesn't open. Inside, Vincent is rubbing his temples as Lucrecia flutters above him.  
  
Vincent: Oh no...I completely forgot...they want to wish me a happy birthday...I suppose I should answer them or they'll NEVER leave.  
  
Lucrecia: Squeek! Squeek!  
  
Vincent gets out of his coffin and smoothes his clothes.  
  
Vincent: I'm coming! I'm coming!  
  
Cloud: Did you hear that?!  
  
Red XIII: Yes Cloud, we did. That must be Vincent.  
  
Cloud steps back from the door and it whisks open. The group gasps when they see Vincent.  
  
Vincent: That's a lovely greeting...  
  
Yuffie: You look like you just woke up.  
  
Vincent: (mumbles) No...really? (clears throat) Well, I am a vampire, I do sleep a lot you know.  
  
Cloud: Oh my God! He's a vampire?! Ahhh! Get him Cid!  
  
Cloud goes behind Cid and pushes him toward Vincent. Vincent looks as if he is going to fall over any second now from boredom.  
  
Vincent: Cloud, your stupidity amazes me, yes I am a vampire. And Cid's spear can't hurt me-only a stake can.  
  
Cloud: Cid do you have a stake?  
  
Cid: Does it #^%$&@ look like it?!  
  
Cloud: No...man, you are so useless.  
  
Cid: Thanks, I'll remember that when Christmas time comes!  
  
Vincent: Cloud if I was going to harm you in any way, I would have done it by now okay? Relax...  
  
Barret: Yeah Cloud, it is da man's birthday after all.  
  
Yuffie: Speaking of which, how old are you Vincent?  
  
Vincent: Older than you...  
  
Yuffie:   
  
Tifa: Well, we came to wish you a happy birthday, Vincent. Happy Birthday!  
  
Vincent: Thank you Tifa, everyone.  
  
Vincent nods at them all and then Lucrecia comes flapping out from his room. Cloud looks at the bat with wide eyes, continuing to hide behind Cid.  
  
Cloud: Ahhh......there's a bat! A bat! A FREAKING BAT...!!!!! Cid kill it!  
  
Cid: You better get your lazy, mako-messed-up ass over there and kill it yourself!!!  
  
Vincent: You are NOT killing the bat. Her name is Lucrecia and she is my pet.  
  
Cloud: Who the hell would keep a bat as a pet...? And what is that awful smell?! Did you even shower after our fight with Sephiroth?!  
  
Barret: Seriously, that is one awful stench!  
  
Tifa: Ewww, I smell it now too!  
  
Yuffie:   
  
Red XIII: Vincent, you really should have better hygiene...  
  
Vincent begins to get short-tempered and steps out from the doorway, which had concealed him partially in shadow.  
  
Vincent: YES, I SHOWERED AFTER OUR FIGHT WITH SEPHIROTH!!!!! I SLEEP IN A ROOM FILLED WITH SKELETAL REMAINS AND CORPSES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! HOW DO YOU THINK IT'S GONNA SMELL IF IT'S BEEN LOCKED UP FOR TWO YEARS?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!  
  
Cloud: Hmm, if you put it that way...stinky I guess.  
  
The group stops pinching their noses when they realize that the smell has begun to dissipate, but now that Vincent is in the light...Tifa notices something she didn't see when Vincent first came out of the room.  
  
Tifa: Um? Vincent? What is that on your head?  
  
Vincent:   
  
Tifa: No shit, Sherlock. That's not what I meant.  
  
Cloud: Who's Sherlock? Is he a part of our team?  
  
Tifa: No, Cloud...  
  
Cloud: Who is he then? Do I know him?  
  
Yuffie: No Cloud, you don't...  
  
Cid: (clears throat) ANYWAY...  
  
Red XIII: I believe Tifa was trying to ask Vincent something...  
  
Barret: Yeah, let the woman speak...  
  
Tifa: Thank you, as I was TRYING to ask...Vincent what is on the top of your head? It looks......menacing.  
  
The group starts to take steps back from Vincent who is looking very confused at Tifa's question.  
  
Vincent: Menacing? I can assure you, there is nothing menacing on my head, Tifa. Why are you all backing away like that?  
  
Cloud: Ah, because there really is something that looks menacing on your head?  
  
Vincent, beginning to believe them, turns on his heel and goes back into his room. Next to the calender hanging on the wall, there is a small mirror. Vincent looks into the mirror and let's out a small screech.  
  
Vincent: Ahhhhhhckkkk!!!!!!!!! What happened to my hair?!?!?!?! And why are there little clips in it?!?!?!!?!?!??!?  
  
Mystery Voice: The answer to that, my friend, is quite simple...  
  
The group spins around to see Hojo standing in the middle of the walkway, grinning evilly. Vincent, hearing the scientist; comes out of his room while trying to pull the clips out of his hair.  
  
Vincent: Hojo! Is this your doing?!  
  
Hojo: Indeed it is! First, I took the girl you loved...and now I've come back and ruined your hair! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! You'll pay for this!  
  
Hojo: Well actually, I already have...you see the styling gel cost 500 gil and the hair accessories were about 120 gil a piece...oh, and the-  
  
Vincent: You know what I meant! You should be dead anyway! Especially after that fight in Midgar!  
  
Hojo: Don't you just love the power of mako? I certainly do...mwa ha ha!  
  
Vincent lets out a low growl and when Hojo and the group blinks, the winged demon Chaos is floating before them.  
  
Cid: Oh #$%^! He's pissed!  
  
Tifa: I really hate it when he does that...  
  
Barret: That is one mean lookin' beast.  
  
Red XIII: Maybe we should get going...  
  
Yuffie: Yeah, that's a good idea, Red.  
  
Cait Sith: Well, ah...happy birthday Vincent...we'll see you later...yeah...  
  
Vincent:   
  
Cloud: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Cid! Get him please!!!!  
  
Cid: You're on your own, kid!  
  
Vincent turns his attention back to Hojo as all of the others start to run back up the basement stairs. Lucrecia flaps out of the way, and back into Vincent's room.  
  
Hojo: Hmm...heh heh...I guess my experiments worked after all...heh heh...  
  
Vincent:   
  
Vincent lunges for Hojo but another mysterious voice stops him dead in his tracks.  
  
Mystery Voice #2: Wait! I want a piece of him too!  
  
Vincent spins around, and Hojo looks past him to see someone very tall and familiar...someone who was ALSO supposedly dead. Vincent transforms back to his original body.  
  
Hojo:   
  
Vincent: ...of a gun!  
  
Sephiroth: Don't call me that!  
  
Hojo: Okay, Sephy.  
  
Sephiroth: Alright, that's enough...step aside Valentine! This monster is mine!   
  
Vincent: It's my birthday! I can do as I like!  
  
Sephiroth: Fine then...geez. (mumbles) Someone woke up on the wrong side of the coffin today...  
  
Sephiroth and Vincent start advancing towards Hojo who is cackling evilly and mumbling about mako.  
  
Vincent: May I?  
  
Sephiroth: Be my guest...  
  
Vincent: Thank you...on three...one...two...  
  
Sephiroth: Last one there is a Jenova clone!  
  
Vincent: Hey, that's cheating!  
  
Sephiroth: Since when have I played by the rules?!  
  
Vincent: Good point...  
  
Sephiroth and Vincent run toward Hojo and jump him. He tries to get away, but they pin him to the ground too quickly.  
  
Hojo: Unhand me!  
  
Sephiroth: Gladly! Once we're done that is!  
  
They take turns beating him up, and then Sephiroth gives him the finishing blow.  
  
Vincent:   
  
Sephiroth: Good riddance...and now it's your turn, Valentine.  
  
Sephiroth raises his Masamune and charges toward Vincent, who to his surprise...doesn't run but shrugs.  
  
Vincent: Yeah, whatever...  
  
BANG!  
  
Sephiroth:   
  
He slumps over dead as Vincent puts his gun back in it's holster. Lucrecia flaps in to see what all the noise is about.  
  
Lucrecia:   
  
Vincent: Don't worry about it, they can rot for all I care...(yawn)...eh, well...I'll fix my poor hair in the morning...poor cute hair...it took me two decades to get it like this!  
  
Lucrecia grabs a bottle of gel that has fallen from Hojo's pocket.  
  
Lucrecia: Squeek! Squeek! Squeek!  
  
Vincent: Oh this is the best birthday present ever! Now I can fix my hair! You are the best bat ever!  
  
Lucrecia flutters happily around the room and then follows Vincent back to his room to help him fix his hair, and to return to her usual schedule of watching him sleep and counting off the days until he awakens once again.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*The End!*~  
  
Author's Notes: Wow...okay this is even longer than the last one! Sorry it took a few days but I've been really busy! I want to thank everyone who reviewed once again! Thank you SO much!!!!! Yay! :) I hope you all like this chapter...I struggled a bit with this one but I hope you guys still find it at least a little funny! I am still new at this so please don't kill me! Please? Well, whether you liked it or not...please review! Thanks! :)  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Reno's Bad Hair Day!

  
DISCLAIMER: Yep, you guessed it, I still don't own any of the characters in this story. Square Soft does.  
  
Author's Notes: Yay! I got even MORE reviews! I am so glad you guys approve! And I'm sorry it took so long to get this up but I'm in school so I've hardly had any time lately to use the computer. : ( Sorry. I don't know how funny (if at all) this chapter is gonna be, so bear with me here...thanks. :)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
At the Shinra Building in Midgar, Reno was sleeping in his room when someone unexpected came in to wake him up.  
  
Reno's nephew: Uncle Reno! Hey, Uncle Reno! Come on Uncle Reno, wake up!  
  
Reno: (mumbles) Huh...? Uhhh...five more minutes, please mom...? I'll go to school today...I promise! Just...five more minutes...  
  
Reno's nephew: (sighs) Stupid uncle! Hmpf...come on Mog, let's teach him a lesson! This'll teach uncle not to ignore me...hee hee hee...  
  
Mog:   
  
Reno's nephew and his pet, Mog the moogle start to quietly sneak toward Reno's hair to mess it up. His nephew takes a straightening iron and straightens his bangs, as Mog puts parts of his hair into ponytails. Once his nephew is done with that, he helps Mog braid all of the ponytails together into one big knot on the top of his head.  
  
Reno's nephew: Ha ha ha...that will definitely take awhile to get out...maybe if he sleeps long enough it will crimp! Mog reach over there and turn his alarm clock off, will you?  
  
Mog: Kupo! Kupo!  
  
Mog flies over to Reno's alarm clock and sits on the off button, before flying back to rest on his owner's shoulders.  
  
Reno's nephew: Perfect! Come on Mog, let's get out of here before he wakes up. Mr. Tseng promised to take us out to breakfast anyway...  
  
Mog:   
  
Reno's nephew and his Mog tiptoe out of Reno's room, snickering quietly. But poor Reno has no clue what just happened to him and continues to dream on peacefully.  
  
Reno's nephew: Hi Mr. Tseng!  
  
Tseng: Hello Rodney, is your uncle awake?  
  
Rodney: Um, no. No, he isn't. Can we go to breakfast now?  
  
Tseng: Sure...are you alright?  
  
Rodney: (smiles innocently) Yep!  
  
Tseng: Okay then, oh I see you brought Mog.  
  
Mog:   
  
Rodney: Mog comes with me everywhere.  
  
Tseng: I see, well then...we three should get going if we wanna get breakfast.  
  
Rodney: Okay then!  
  
Mog:   
  
Tseng, Rodney, and Mog leave to go out to breakfast with Tseng suspecting Rodney of nothing...  
  
Two hours later...sunlight is coming in through the blinds on Reno's window and he opens his eyes slowly.  
  
Reno: (yawn) Urrr...sunlight? What the hell......?  
  
Reno suddenly realizes there is an AWFUL LOT of sunlight coming in through the window. Usually, the sun was just beginning to rise when he got ready for work in the morning. The only time there was ever that amount of light coming in was when Sephiroth had summoned Meteor. Fearing for the worst, he ran to the window to see if somehow, Meteor had been summoned again.  
  
Reno: Oh please no! I barely escaped last time...!  
  
When he looked out the window his fears were gone. The sun hung in the sky shining brightly down on Midgar, just like any other day. This left Reno confused...until he looked at his alarm clock.  
  
Reno: OH SHIT!!!! 10:26?! DAMN!!! OH I AM SO LATE!!!!  
  
Reno throws back the covers, and runs to his dresser looking for his Turk uniform he had cleaned the day before...then when he looks up into the mirror attached to the dresser...  
  
Reno: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE HELL!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?  
  
He stares in shock at his reflection for a few more minutes until he realizes there was someone else, someone familiar in his bedroom earlier in the morning...  
  
Reno: Rodney!!!! Oh I completely forgot I am supposed to babysit that little brat! Shit! And on top of all that, my hair's jacked up and I gotta work today!!!!! OH NO!!!! I also gotta go shopping for that Secret Santa stuff!!!! I swear the minute I get my hands on that kid-  
  
Reno is interrupted by Tseng opening the door, and standing next to none other then Rodney and Mog.  
  
Tseng: Oh Reno, you're awake-what the hell happened to you?!  
  
Reno: (eye twitching) What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?! THAT LITTLE BRAT OVER THERE IS WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!  
  
Tseng: Is this true, Rodney?  
  
Rodney: Yes sir...  
  
Tseng: (laughs) Huh...good one!  
  
Rodney: Thank you sir!  
  
Rufus appears out of nowhere and looks at Reno steaming mad with a weird hairstyle, and bursts out laughing.  
  
Reno: What's so funny Pretty Boy?!  
  
Rufus: Your hair, Reno...or didn't you notice?  
  
Reno: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Tseng: It's his nephew's doing, sir.  
  
Rufus looks at Rodney and Mog, smiling brightly.  
  
Rufus: Really? You rock kid, come on you can meet my panther, Dark Nation!  
  
Rodney: Yay! A big kitty!  
  
Rufus leaves with Rodney skipping right alongside of him...Mog flying quietly above them.  
  
Reno: I hope that oversized feline eats him!  
  
Tseng: (laughs) Oh come on Reno, you have to admit that was pretty good...  
  
Reno: The only thing I will admit is that he is the worst kid on the planet! Seriously Tseng, you have NO clue what that kid's capable of!  
  
Tseng: Oh? Maybe he should become a Turk...  
  
Reno: (grumbles) That'll be the day I resign.  
  
Tseng: (chuckles) I'll be looking forward to it then.  
  
Reno: You would Tseng...  
  
Tseng: Well Reno, unlike you I care about my job so have fun with your hair...  
  
Reno: Tseng...can I borrow your gel? If I get this out...gel will fix it...and I'm all out of mine...  
  
Tseng: After the last mission you just so happened to fail? I highly doubt it!  
  
Reno: But Tseng!  
  
Tseng: Oh relax Reno, I'm sure there are others you can pester for gel...and that look is rather becoming of you...  
  
Reno:   
  
Tseng: I'll be going now...  
  
Reno: Yeah, check ya later...  
  
Tseng chuckles at the sarcasm in Reno's voice and then leaves him to try and fix his hair. After several tries, Reno gives up and walks to Reeve's quarters. Reeve opens the door and finds himself speechless at the sight of Reno.  
  
Reno: Just don't ask, alright? Reeve can ya lend me some gel?  
  
Reeve: Sorry Reno, but I gave it to Rufus this morning. He was all out...  
  
Reno: Ugh...fine thanks Reeve.  
  
Reeve:   
  
Reeve closes his door as Reno swallows his pride and starts walking to Rufus' office. He knocks at the door and sounds of and silly kitty! can be heard from inside.  
  
Rufus:   
  
Reno: It's Reno, sir.  
  
Rodney: Don't let him in!  
  
Rufus: Don't worry, Dark Nation is around here somewhere...so he'll protect you if your uncle tries anything.  
  
Rodney:   
  
Rufus opens the door and smirks when he sees Reno still with the crazy hairstyle.  
  
Rufus: Can I help you?  
  
Reno: As a matter of fact you can...(swallows)...could I borrow your gel?  
  
Rufus: Ha ha ha ha ha! Borrow my gel? Yeah right Reno, maybe if hell freezes over!  
  
Rufus slams the door in Reno's face and he is left standing there glaring daggers at it.  
  
Reno: Stupid punk ass...  
  
Reno hears a low growl and turns around to face Dark Nation, who is ready to pounce on him if he moves.  
  
Reno: Heh, heh...ah nice kitty. You're a pretty kitty aren't you?  
  
Dark Nation:   
  
Reno:   
  
He turns around and pounds with all his might on Rufus' office door.  
  
Reno: RUFUS!!!! LET ME IN!!!!!! QUICK!!!!  
  
Rufus sighs and tells Rodney to wait at his desk just in case Reno might try to get them back.  
  
Rufus: Now what do you wan-  
  
Reno: Help me!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Reno jumps into Rufus' arms and throws his own arms around Rufus' neck.  
  
Rufus: Just what the hell do you think you're doing?!  
  
Reno: Trying to not be killed by your oversized house cat!  
  
Rufus: Reno that's a panther, not an oversized house cat.  
  
Reno: Oh whatever!  
  
Dark Nation growls as Rufus looks back and forth between the panther and Reno, who is still holding onto him tightly for fear if he lets go; Dark Nation will break him in two.  
  
Rufus: Hey Reno? How fast can you run?  
  
Reno: Semi-fast I suppose...but why?  
  
Rufus: Because you'd better start.  
  
Rufus drops Reno onto the floor right in front of Dark Nation.  
  
Dark Nation:   
  
Reno:   
  
Reno stands up and runs back down the hall, finally stopping at Elena's door. He pauses a moment but then knocks on her door.  
  
Elena:   
  
Elena almost falls over laughing when she sees what had happened to Reno, she opens her mouth to say something but Reno cuts her off.   
  
Reno: (pants) Look just DON'T ASK, alright? Do you have any gel I can borrow?  
  
Elena: I don't use gel.  
  
Reno: Moose then?  
  
Elena: Don't use that either.  
  
Reno: Then what DO you use?  
  
Elena: Hair spray.  
  
Reno: (sighs loudly) Well, could I maybe borrow that then?!  
  
Elena: Not with that attitude you can't!  
  
Elena moves to close the door but Reno grabs onto her arm.  
  
Reno: Okay I'm sorry, Elena please can I use your hair spray? Rufus and Tseng won't let me use theirs and Reeve is all out cause he gave it to Rufus this morning...  
  
Elena: So basically you are trying to say that you are all out of options, since you apparently don't have any yourself right?  
  
Reno:   
  
Elena:   
  
As she is thinking, Rufus has begun to show Rodney and Mog the rest of the Shinra HQ...so while they're walking, he catches sight of Reno begging Elena for help and decides to cause a little more trouble...  
  
Rufus: Come on Rodney, there's someone I'd like you to meet. She's the newest addition to our intelligence sector.  
  
Rodney: Intelligence sector?  
  
Rufus: The Turks.  
  
Rodney: How come Uncle Reno is in it then?  
  
Rufus: Ha ha ha...we were short of people and he surprisingly qualified.  
  
Rodney: Oh I see...  
  
They meet up with Reno and Elena, just as she is about to give her answer to Reno.  
  
Elena: Well, I-  
  
Rufus: Hey Elena, I have someone I'd like you to meet. Rodney, this is Elena. Elena, this is Rodney.  
  
Mog:   
  
Rufus: Oh and his pet moogle named Mog.  
  
Elena: Oh hi you guys.  
  
Rufus: Rodney is Reno's nephew.  
  
Elena:   
  
Rufus:   
  
Rodney: So you're the one Uncle Reno calls the dumb blonde?  
  
Reno: (scratches the back of his head) Uhh...heh heh...when did I say that?  
  
Rodney: When you told me that there was a girl who had been appointed to the Turks cause you got hurt. You said you couldn't believe that they got a dumb blonde to fill your place.  
  
Reno: (grinding his teeth) Heh...no, I didn't.  
  
Elena: You know what Reno, you are not borrowing anything from me! I can't believe you! Well, thank you Rodney...now I know the truth about what your uncle thinks about me.  
  
Rodney: Uh? No problem.  
  
Rufus: Ha ha ha...  
  
Elena goes back into her room and closes the door behind her.  
  
Reno:   
  
Rufus:   
  
Reno: It's bad enough you won't let me borrow your gel! You don't have to go around ruining my chances of finding some, you know!  
  
Rufus: Oh but Reno, it's just so much fun!  
  
Reno:   
  
Rufus: Come on Rodney, and you too Mog...let's go.  
  
They continue on their tour of the Shinra Building as Reno just glares in their direction.  
  
Reno: This is so not my day...dammit! Screw this, I'll just try a damn store!  
  
Reno goes back to his room and grabs his wallet. Walking to the helicopter bay, he gets in a helicopter and flies to Wall Market. Once he arrives, he hops out and looks around for a store that might carry hair gel.  
  
Reno: (walking around) Oh come on now, there has got to be a store around here somewhere!  
  
Sales Clerk: Come one, come all! Brand new, right-from-the-manufacturer hair accessories and styling gel!!!!! On sale NOW!!!!!!  
  
Reno: Yes! Finally!  
  
He walks into the store and finds himself alone.  
  
Reno: Well, that's odd. If it's such a big deal, then where is everyone?  
  
Suddenly, a huge crowd of people come rushing into the store, practically trampling Reno in the process.  
  
Reno: (cringes) Oww...when am I gonna learn to keep my damn mouth shut?  
  
He struggles to stand up and then dusts his clothes off. He tries to fix his hair again but then gives up. Walking down the isle, he sees people already grabbing up all of the gel and hair accessories.  
  
Reno: Shit! I'm not gonna get anything! And this is the only store I have seen so far!  
  
Reno runs around trying to push through people so he can get some gel but soon the store shelves are completely empty. The people who didn't get any are leaving, and the people who were lucky enough to get what they wanted were already paying at the counter.  
  
Reno: Dammit all to hell! My hair is never gonna look good again!  
  
He turns and walks back down the isle, wondering if there might be any gel in the other isles. He reaches isle 12 and sees one last bottle of gel held by none other than...Rude.  
  
Reno: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me...  
  
Putting on a fake little smile, Reno walks down the isle to talk to Rude and to try and get the last bottle of gel away from him.  
  
Reno: Hey Rude, what's up?  
  
Rude: Oh hey Reno, nothing much. What happened to your hair?  
  
Reno: My nephew decided to play a trick on me.  
  
Rude: Ha, must of been a good one.  
  
Reno glares at his partner and then places the smile back on his face.  
  
Reno: Well, not actually but anyway...I see you have the last bottle of gel in the store Rude...  
  
Rude: Yeah...um Reno are you trying to make a point?  
  
Reno: Yes, Rude. Why do YOU need the gel?  
  
Rude: (looking hurt) Oh and just what is that supposed to mean?  
  
Reno: Rude! You're bald! You look like Mr. Clean for Shinra's sake! Why in the great plates of Midgar would you need hair gel?!  
  
Rude: (tearing up) You know Reno, I thought we were friends...but now...I'm not so sure!  
  
Reno: ...Rude, buddy come on...look, I-I didn't mean that...  
  
Rude: Gotcha! Ha, Reno you are so gullible! You'd even believe that Meteor's back!  
  
Reno: (looking up toward the ceiling and letting out a small gasp) It is?! Hey, wait a minute...I mean, no it isn't!  
  
Rude: Yep, just as I thought...  
  
Reno stares at the ground for a moment before he tackles Rude.  
  
Reno: Alright! Gimme that you! Give! Give it here! Damn you, Rude! Gimme the gel!  
  
Rude: Gimme got smashed under Palmer's fat ass!  
  
Reno: I said gimme!  
  
Rude:   
  
Reno: Why...the hell not?!  
  
Rude: It's a Christmas gift!  
  
Reno: A Christmas gift? For who?!  
  
Rude:   
  
Reno: WHAT?! You mean to tell me you're getting a gift for the stuck up guy who dresses like a stick of spearmint gum?! You have ABSOLUTELY GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rude: Sorry Reno, but I got picked to be his Secret Santa.  
  
Reno: AHHHHHH I'M GONNA GO INSANE!!!!!!  
  
Rude: You're not already there?!  
  
Reno: Oh you're such a nice friend, Rude!  
  
Rude: Heh heh, sorry. Well, I guess I'll be seeing you.  
  
Rude gets up and leaves Reno sitting in the middle of the isle, pouting.  
  
Reno: Oh this is the worst day of my life!!!!  
  
He stands up and walks out of the store, and over to the helicopter. He gets in and flies back to the Shinra Building, completely exhausted. When he goes straight to his room, he finds Tseng there waiting for him. Reno slumps to the floor not even caring that his boss is sitting in front of him.  
  
Tseng: So you took the day off, I take it?  
  
Reno: Blow me.  
  
Tseng: No thank you.  
  
Reno: Figure of speech...  
  
Tseng: Yes, I'm well aware of that. Anyway, your sister came by and dropped this off for you. It's your Christmas gift from her, and her husband.  
  
Tseng places the box in front of Reno, and Reno props himself up on his elbows.  
  
Reno: So you mean she was here already?!  
  
Tseng:   
  
Reno: So where's Rodney? I'm dead if she knows I wasn't taking care of him today!  
  
Tseng: You might as well not worry, Rufus explained that you had an emergency mission you had been sent on and she understood.  
  
Reno: But I didn't have...oh I get it...but why the hell did that rat bastard cover for me, anyway!? He's been out to get me the whole day!  
  
Tseng: It was out of sheer pity, Reno. Nothing more.  
  
Reno: Hmpf! So Rodney's with her now?  
  
Tseng:   
  
Tseng goes to the door and motions for Reno's sister to come into the room. She had been waiting in Rufus' office the entire time with Rodney and Mog.  
  
Reno's sister: (cheerfully) Hey Reno!  
  
Reno: (trying not to collapse) Hello, Rena...how are you?  
  
Rena: Fine, thanks. I hope you like your gift! Are you happy that Christmas is coming up?  
  
Reno:   
  
Rena: Oh, well that's good. Listen, Ron and I are gonna go to Costa Del Sol for the Christmas week so you get to watch Rodney. How's that sound?  
  
Reno: (mumbles) Oh dear God...why didn't you just let me get killed by Cloud and his friends?!  
  
Reno passes out onto the box of presents in front of him and Rena runs over to him.  
  
Rena: Reno? Reno? Hey lil' brother! Get up! Are you okay?  
  
Tseng: Don't worry Rena, he'll be fine. He's just tired from the mission that's all.  
  
Rena: Oh okay then! Should we leave him like that?  
  
Tseng: Yes, he'll be alright. What did you and Ron get him?  
  
Rena: Oh just some gel and a hair comb, along with some red hair dye. He always had it a brighter red than the rest of the family did.  
  
Tseng: Hmm...well, I don't know if he will really appreciate the gift now though.  
  
Rena:   
  
Tseng: Yes, I think there is someone else you could give it to.  
  
Rena:   
  
Tseng takes the box out from under Reno's face, and heads down the hall toward Rufus' office.  
  
Tseng: I think the President might appreciate it a lot more.  
  
Rena: That's good, at least someone will get some use out of it.  
  
Tseng walks into the office with Rena and hands the box to Rufus.  
  
Rufus: What's this?  
  
Tseng: Reno's Christmas gift...well, let's just say it was his Christmas gift...  
  
Rena: Go ahead, open it.  
  
Rufus opens the box and unwraps the presents inside of it.  
  
Rufus: Oh wow! Thank you so much! But why are you giving it to me?  
  
Rena: Tseng thinks Reno probably wouldn't appreciate it very much.  
  
Rufus: ...Oh well, Tseng's right. He wouldn't. Thank you again.  
  
Rena: (brightly) You're welcome!  
  
Rufus puts the presents away so Reno won't find them as Tseng and Rena look on happily.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*The End!*~  
  
Author's Notes: I'm really sorry it took so long to get this chapter up! School=evil, on the third day we were already taking a quiz! So that's why I didn't get to finish this until last night! No fun, but hey...please review even if this one isn't that great. Please? Thank you to everyone who reviewed previously!


	5. Sephiroth's Bad Hair Day!

  
Disclaimer: Square Soft owns all the characters in this story, and unfortunately they are the only ones...: ( Waah!  
  
Author's Notes: Wow! Chapter five! I never thought I'd write a chapter five! Thank you so much for the reviews everyone! I was so surprised at how many people came back to read my story! I haven't forgotten any requests, especially the one for Red XIII, but I usually write a chapter for whichever character I get ideas for first...so this time, I was lucky enough to get one for someone I think a few people have been waiting for...  
  
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Deep inside the North Crater, below the many caverns and caves was the Lifestream. At the moment, it was carrying a very unhappy and restless soul...who just wouldn't be quiet...  
  
Unhappy soul: I cannot believe that scrawny, third-class SOLDIER beat me! I mean how did he do it?! I am the Great Sephiroth! No one has ever been able to defeat me!  
  
Cynical Soul: Until now, that is.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh shut up, Shinra! I don't need to be insulted by some former-exec-turned-suicidal megalomaniac today! I'm having a bad day as it is!  
  
Rufus looks at Sephiroth, and then chuckles at the sight of him.  
  
Rufus: My my...need some Midol?  
  
Sephiroth: Go to hell!  
  
Rufus: Hmm...well, let's see...I'm dead, no longer the most powerful man on the planet, and I'm stuck in this green place with you...I seem to be in hell already.  
  
Sephiroth: Must you always be such a smart ass?  
  
Rufus: Must you always be such a crybaby?  
  
Sephiroth: I am NOT a crybaby!  
  
Rufus: Then I'm not a megalomaniac! And suicidal?! Do you have mako poisoning or something?  
  
Sephiroth: Does it look like it?  
  
Rufus: Can't tell...you still look insane though.  
  
Sephiroth: Watch it, Shinra. At least I didn't just wait for Weapon to kill me.  
  
Rufus: Now what are you talking about?! I did no such thing!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh so what were you trying to do? Stare at it until it got scared and ran away?  
  
Rufus: (pouts) I was petrified...and how was I supposed to know it had enough power to return fire before it died?  
  
Sephiroth: Well it WAS Weapon...created by the planet, to protect the planet against ANYTHING that got in the planet's way...that would include people, artillery, animals-  
  
Rufus: I get the point already! I'm dead okay?! Give me a break!  
  
Sephiroth: If I had a Kit Kat bar I would...(starts to sing the Kit Kat bar song).  
  
Rufus: (rolls eyes and looks around) What did I do to deserve this?  
  
Sephiroth: Everything! Ha ha ha ha! Happy now? You got an answer.  
  
Rufus: Not an intelligent one though...now where were we? Oh yes, you were complaining that Cloud Strife and his band of rif raff beat you, were you not?  
  
Sephiroth: I guess they had a hand in it too...so yes Nosy, I was.  
  
Rufus: I'll ignore that rude remark for a moment, and give you some information you might need about getting out of here.  
  
Sephiroth: Information? Please Shinra, if I wanted information' on that topic, I'd already have found it and be out of here by now!  
  
Rufus: (flicks his hair back) You're pretty confident. Fine then, I won't share my vast amount of knowledge.  
  
Sephiroth: You mean all the air inside your brain, that surrounds the thought of how to style your hair everyday?  
  
Rufus: Don't even go there...  
  
Rufus is cut off by someone laughing, so he and Sephiroth turn toward the voice.  
  
Aeris: Hee hee...having fun you two?  
  
Sephiroth: Hey what are you doing here? I thought I stabbed you.  
  
Rufus: (in a mock announcer's voice) Lifestream to Sephiroth...come in Sephiroth...that's why she's here. Since this is the place people who die, go to!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh yeah, almost forgot.  
  
Rufus: Now who's the airhead?  
  
Aeris: Are you guys done now?  
  
Rufus:   
  
Sephiroth: Yes. So what do you want?  
  
Aeris: To advise you to listen to Rufus.  
  
Sephiroth:   
  
Aeris: Because if you want to get revenge, then he's the one who can help you.  
  
Sephiroth: Fine, I'll listen to him.  
  
Aeris:   
  
Aeris leaves, and Sephiroth turns back to Rufus...who is staring at the swirling, green mist around them.  
  
Rufus: Ready to listen yet?  
  
Sephiroth: (sighs) I suppose so...  
  
Rufus: Alright then. All you have to do to get out of here is do one good thing for the planet while you are back with the living.  
  
Sephiroth: But I was trying to destroy it, why would I want to do something GOOD for it?  
  
Rufus: No one said you have to WANT to do it, just that you HAVE to do it. But hey, it's your choice...either do that, or stay here.  
  
Sephiroth: Fine, I'll try to do something...(cringes)...good. One question though...why is that Rapunzel wannabe letting me out of here?  
  
Rufus: Who? You mean Aeris?  
  
Sephiroth:   
  
Rufus: Because she's just as sick of you complaining as I am.  
  
Sephiroth: Hmpf. So why are YOU still here?   
  
Rufus: I haven't thought of anything good to do for the planet yet...and Aeris told me to help you even though I didn't want to.  
  
Sephiroth: I see...well, I guess I'll be going now.  
  
Sephiroth turns away and floats up to the surface of the Lifestream.  
  
Rufus: Good riddance...  
  
Aeris returns and looks at Rufus...who seems to be holding something back.  
  
Aeris: It's okay, you can laugh now...I know that took a lot to keep a straight face!  
  
Rufus: You have no idea...  
  
Aeris and Rufus start to laugh uncontrollably...since they both had acted like nothing was wrong for such a long time.  
  
Aeris: I can't believe...his hair...  
  
Rufus: Seriously...I mean...come on now...how could you NOT notice that...?  
  
Aeris: Yeah...I think Cloud did more damage to him than the mako did, when he fell in it at the Nibelheim reactor!  
  
Rufus: Ha ha ha! So that's all I had to do to get him out of here?  
  
Aeris: Mmm-hmm, now all we have to do is wait to see what happens.  
  
Rufus: And if he screws up?  
  
Aeris: Don't worry, I've already come up with a plan just in case he does.  
  
Rufus: That's reassuring...coming from someone who was killed by him.  
  
Aeris smacks Rufus upside the head with her staff.  
  
Aeris: Hey watch your mouth Rufus! I'm in charge here so it's not a good idea to piss me off!  
  
Rufus: Hey that hurt! Yeesh! Okay okay already! You sure got tough...  
  
Aeris:   
  
Rufus sighs and floats away to wait for Sephiroth to screw up, so he can go back and tease him again. Meanwhile, back in Midgar with the living; Sephiroth has awoke at the church in the slums.  
  
Sephiroth: Ugh...man I've got a headache...and why the hell did I end up here? I figured Mideel, or maybe Nibelheim...but here? Oh and there's flowers here too...how lovely...  
  
Little Boy: Hey mister! Get up! You're gonna wreck the flowers!  
  
Sephiroth: ...Huh? Oh yes, these wretched things beneath me...  
  
Little Girl: They aren't wretched! They're pretty!  
  
Sephiroth: (groans and stands up) Fine! They're pretty! Is that better for you?!  
  
Little Boy: Don't be so rude mister or you'll be sorry!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh and what are you gonna do?  
  
Little Girl: He'll beat you up!  
  
Sephiroth: (looking skeptical) Ha...I bet he will.  
  
Little Boy: Okay mister you asked for it!  
  
The girl steps back as the boy pulls out a smaller replica of Cloud's Buster Sword.  
  
Sephiroth: What the...?  
  
Little Boy: Mister Cloud gave this to me, he made it so I could defend the flowers!  
  
Sephiroth looks more closely at the sword and realizes it's plastic.  
  
Sephiroth: I'm so scared! Go ahead and hit me with your best shot...even with your sword you couldn't hurt me...  
  
Little Girl: Don't be so sure!  
  
The boy smacks Sephiroth with the sword as the girl kicks him in the shins with her steel-covered boots.  
  
Sephiroth: Ow ow ow ow ow!!!!! Alright alright I give! Get away from me you little brats!  
  
Sephiroth trampled over the flowers trying to get away from the kids, and ruined half of them.  
  
Little Girl: Ha! Did you see that big brother? Just like Miss Tifa showed me!  
  
Little Boy: Yeah I saw it alright. You did a great job sis...maybe someday you can join Avalanche!  
  
Little Girl:   
  
Little Boy:   
  
Little Girl: Thanks big brother!  
  
Little Boy: Hey mister! You better leave and never come back, you here me?!  
  
The little boy waves his sword in the air as Sephiroth runs out of the church, leaving the boy and his sister to fix up the flowers.  
  
Sephiroth: Children...how annoying...owww my legs...ohh...owww...!  
  
Sephiroth limps away from the church and walks out of Midgar. He travels across the area surrounding the city, and finally ends up in the small town of Kalm. Several people stare at him as he heads toward the inn.  
  
Kalm resident #1: Hey doesn't that look like Sephiroth?  
  
Kalm resident #2: Yeah, but remember Avalanche beat him at the North Crater so that couldn't be him...but man that guy's hair is messed up!  
  
Kalm resident #1: Maybe he got attacked on the way here.  
  
Kalm resident #2:   
  
Sephiroth reaches the inn and searches his pockets for some gil. He pulls out 20 gil and gives it to the innkeeper. Once he is in his room, he goes right to sleep and wakes up the following day to find Aeris floating before him.  
  
Sephiroth: Now what do you want?  
  
Aeris: To warn you.  
  
Sephiroth: Of what? You annoying me so much, I'll die soon?  
  
Aeris: No Stupid, I came to warn you that if you don't do something good for the planet within two days you have to come back to the Lifestream for good.  
  
Sephiroth: You mean to tell me I only have two days!? I haven't even found that freaky Jenova clone Cloud yet! How am I supposed to do that AND figure out something good to do for the planet?!  
  
Aeris: I don't know but you had better because at midnight tomorrow night, your time is up.  
  
Sephiroth: Why didn't you tell me before?!  
  
Aeris: It must have slipped my mind...  
  
Sephiroth: (mumbles) Oh like hell it did...  
  
WHACK!  
  
Aeris: What was that?! Are you accusing me of lying?  
  
Sephiroth: OWW!!!!! No!!!  
  
Aeris: Good, it's settled then...  
  
Aeris disappears and Sephiroth is left to rub his head, where she hit him with her staff.  
  
Sephiroth: You people sure have gotten more violent, geez!  
  
He gets up and goes out of Kalm, heading toward the Chocobo stables. He sees the Midgar Zolom from across the marsh and when it comes close, he stabs it and puts it on a broken tree.  
  
Sephiroth: (sighs) Brings back memories...now I need a chocobo so my nice clean boots don't get ruined.  
  
Suddenly, a frog hops out of the marsh and onto his boots.  
  
Sephiroth: Hey get off of those you dumbass amphibian!  
  
Frog:   
  
He kicks his foot outward and the frog flies off, landing with a splash right back into the marsh.  
  
Sephiroth: This planet is really trying my patience!  
  
He stomps away from the marsh and to the stables. When he arrives, he sees the once-filled, fenced-in area empty.  
  
Sephiroth: Just my luck...  
  
Choco Billy notices him standing there, and decides to help him even though he almost starts laughing at his appearance.  
  
Choco Billy: Hey there, can I help you?  
  
Sephiroth: Do you have any chocobos for rent?  
  
Choco Billy: Yes we do, they're in the stables right now...would you like to take a look?  
  
Sephiroth:   
  
Choco Billy led Sephiroth into the stables, and what he saw amazed him. There were red, blue, white, purple, yellow, green, black, pink, and gold chocobos inside just waiting for someone to rent them. Sephiroth eyed the gold one with interest.  
  
Sephiroth: How much for that one?  
  
Choco Billy: The gold one? 360,000 gil.  
  
Sephiroth: Are you crazy?!  
  
Choco Billy just stared at him.  
  
Sephiroth: I see...well then, I'm still tired so why don't you let me sleep on it. Do you have rooms here?  
  
Choco Billy: Yes, you'll have to go to the house if you want a place to spend the night.  
  
Sephiroth: Thank you.  
  
He leaves and goes to the house to find a room to stay in. Later on that night, he sneaks back into the stables and steals the gold chocobo. He rides across to Nibelheim, figuring if Cloud and his friends would be anywhere-it would be there. Letting the chocobo run free, he enters the town. He enters the inn and pays the 100 gil fee, then goes up to his room.  
  
Sephiroth: Maybe I'll get some sleep so I'll be rested enough to beat Cloud and his friends...  
  
Just as he was closing his eyes, Rufus appeared in front of him.  
  
Sephiroth: For Jenova's sake...! What do you want, Shinra?!  
  
Rufus: What do I want? Would you like the main things or my whole list?  
  
Sephiroth: You know what I meant!  
  
Rufus: (laughs) Indeed I do...but I doubt you'll get it with the way you've been today. Aeris and I have been watching you closely and she's quite upset with what you just did.  
  
Sephiroth: I stole a gold chocobo, big deal!  
  
Rufus: It is a big deal. That's why she's upset.  
  
Sephiroth: Then tell her to go talk to a wall or something! Here...take this materia, cast Wall, and let her talk to it.  
  
Rufus: I think you forget who's in charge of your soul.  
  
Sephiroth: (sighs) So what am I supposed to do? Go find it and return it somehow?  
  
Rufus: Well, either that or you have to do TWO good things for the planet now, and I think we both know how hard that will be.  
  
Sephiroth: I can do it!  
  
Rufus: We'll see about that, sweet dreams Sephy.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh go screw a tree or something Shinra!  
  
Rufus: No thank you.  
  
Rufus disappears and Sephiroth drifts off to sleep. The following morning, however...  
  
WHACK!  
  
Aeris: Wake up Sephiroth!  
  
Sephiroth: OWWW!!!!! Would you stop that already?!  
  
Aeris: Only if you show that you will take Rufus and I seriously from now on!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh? When didn't I?  
  
Aeris: Whenever you ignore the fact that if you don't do good here, you will never get your chance at revenge. We have been trying to make that thought sink into your big, stupid head but I guess only my staff can do that!  
  
Sephiroth: Alright relax! I'll try to be more serious about it then!  
  
Aeris: I would hope you do, for your sake anyway...because it won't be the same when you come back if you don't.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh? How so?  
  
Aeris: I'm not going to tell you! Now I suggest you get to work.  
  
Sephiroth: Yes mother.  
  
WHACK! WHACK!  
  
Sephiroth: OWWWW!!!!!!! Fine, yes Aeris!  
  
Aeris smiles and then disappears again, leaving him to try once more to do good. He heads out to the town, noticing that there are a lot of people outside already. He looks around at all the houses, and then spots Cloud's old one. Cloud is sitting in the back yard with Tifa, talking and drinking some lemonade.  
  
Sephiroth: Hmpf...if I can at least kill those two, I'll be happy enough.  
  
Surprisingly, as he begins to walk toward their house something comes flying in his direction, knocking him unconscious to the ground. It was a shuriken...that belonged to none other than Yuffie.  
  
Yuffie: Whoops!!! Oh boy, sorry there! (mumbles) Man that guy's weird looking-he looks just like Sephiroth! Ha! I wonder what happened to his hair?! Boy that's really messed up! Hey...I wonder if he's got any materia?  
  
Yuffie runs over and picks up her shuriken, and then she begins to look for any materia she can find.  
  
Yuffie: Let's see here...Comet...Ultima...Full Cure...Destroy...Revive...Gravity......ooh and Super Nova!!! Nice!!!!! I can make a fortune with these!!!! Woo hoo!!!!!!!!  
  
Yuffie grabs all of the materia and runs to the nearest shop. She sees Red XIII buying some potions, and joins him when he goes to the bar to visit with Barret, Cait Sith, Cid, and Vincent.  
  
Yuffie: Hey you guys!  
  
Cait Sith: Hey Yuffie! Hey Red XIII!  
  
Cid: I'll order them some drinks, be right back.  
  
Cid leaves as they sit down at the table.  
  
Barret: Hey ninja, whatcha got there in your bag?  
  
Vincent: It looks like it's going to burst.  
  
Yuffie: Oh just some money I got from this materia that I found.  
  
Barret: Looks like a lot. You gonna share, you know...for our Avalanche fund?  
  
Yuffie: Weeeeeellllll...I suppose so. Here you go guys...I'll leave some for Cid too.  
  
Yuffie makes a pile for each of them, each one containing 20 gil.   
  
Red XIII: You know Yuffie, I think you had a lot more there at the-  
  
Yuffie: Hahahahahaha!!!!! I don't know what you're talking about Red!  
  
Red XIII: I guess it was just my imagination then.  
  
Yuffie: Yep! But I do have something interesting I can tell you guys.  
  
Vincent:   
  
Yuffie: I ran into this guy outside of the inn and he looks EXACTLY like Sephiroth! I kinda umm...got this Super Nova materia from him too...  
  
Barret: Exactly? We should go tell Cloud and Tifa.  
  
Cait Sith: Good idea.  
  
Cait Sith, Yuffie, and Barret get up to go tell them, as Red XIII waits for Cid to get back with the drinks. They go over to Cloud's house and tell him the news.  
  
Cloud: So where's this guy now?  
  
Tifa: If it's really him, I swear to God...  
  
Cloud: Tifa calm down, it most likely isn't since we killed him awhile back...but just in case we should go see where he is now.  
  
Tifa: Alright. Yuffie you lead the way.  
  
Yuffie allows them to follow her over to where Sephiroth lay, but now the spot is vacant.  
  
Cait Sith: He must have left already.  
  
Yuffie: Well, you see I kinda hit him with my shuriken...knocking him out so I don't see how he could get too far.  
  
Cloud: Oh good job Yuffie!  
  
Yuffie: Hey it was an accident! Somebody probably took him to the inn to take care of him.  
  
Barret: Keep your eyes and ears peeled people...he might be back.  
  
The group nods and then returns to their previous activities. Eleven hours later...Sephiroth woke up inside his room.  
  
Sephiroth: Oww...what the? I got hit by something, but what was it...?  
  
He looks at the clock and realizes there are 30 minutes to midnight.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh no! That means I only have 30 minutes to do two good things, AND get my revenge! Damn!  
  
He runs downstairs trying to find something he can help someone with. He sees a little girl in the corner of the room, crying. Seeing an opportunity to do good, he goes over to her.  
  
Sephiroth: What's wrong little girl?  
  
Little Girl: I l-lost my d-d-dolly.  
  
Sephiroth: I'll help you find it then.  
  
After minutes of searching the rooms at the inn, he finds her doll and returns it to her.  
  
Little Girl: Thank you so m-much.  
  
Sephiroth: Don't mention it...  
  
He runs outside, looking around town to see if he can do one more good thing before he runs out of time. He spots Cloud's house across the way. As if on cue, Cloud opens the door and steps out to get some fresh air. Before he goes back in, he spots a tall figure with waist-length silver hair.  
  
Cloud: You...Yuffie was right! You ARE back...  
  
Sephiroth: Hello to you too, Strife.  
  
Cloud grabs his sword as Sephiroth draws his Masamune. Stepping into the light, Sephiroth watched Cloud's expression go from serious to humorous in seconds flat.  
  
Cloud: Oh man! What the heck happened to you?! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! You look like a drowned cat!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: What?! What did you just call me?! No one calls the Great Sephiroth a drowned cat!!!! I've come to get my revenge, Cloud!  
  
Cloud: Revenge?! Looking like that?! Please don't insult me!  
  
Sephiroth watches Cloud almost double over in laughter and then charges him with the Masamune. Just as he is about to slice him in two, Aeris appears and snaps her fingers.  
  
Aeris: Times up!  
  
She and Sephiroth appear back in the Lifestream...but this time it WAS different. Sephiroth was in a bunny suit with kids all around him.  
  
Sephiroth: WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Why am I in a BUNNY SUIT?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Aeris: Because you didn't do two good things before you tried to get your revenge, and you ran out of time anyway. So now you must pay the consequences.  
  
Rufus appears out of nowhere, and then laughs hysterically when he sees Sephiroth in the bunny suit.  
  
Rufus: Wow!!! Your plan was really good Aeris!  
  
Aeris: Thank you, now Sephiroth...you must remain here for eternity, with your messed up hair that everyone will laugh at. You also must watch over the souls of the children in a bunny suit at the same time.  
  
Sephiroth:   
  
Rufus and Aeris laugh as Sephiroth prepares to spend the rest of his fate not only in a bunny suit, but also with bad hair!  
  
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~*The End!*~  
  
Author's Notes: Wow...this chapter is really...WEIRD! I don't know how I got it done either...but to me it seems like I jumped around a lot toward the end, and it's not as humorous...but I hope you guys enjoy it! Poor Sephy...I didn't mean to be so cruel by making him have to spend the rest of eternity in a bunny suit...but I couldn't get that image out of my head! Please don't kill me all you Sephy fans!


	6. Tseng's bad hair day!

  
Disclaimer: sniffles! Well, Square Soft still owns all the characters, I don't...  
  
Author's Notes: Chapter 6! Ahh!!! I am amazed at how many chapters this story has! I didn't think there would be this many! Thank you again to all the people who reviewed! Okay enough of my babbling, this one is for Tseng!  
  
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On the 45th floor of the Shinra Building, Reno, Elena, and Rude were standing outside of Tseng's room. Rufus had assigned them to go to Gongaga, for another evaluation of the ruined mako reactor there. The only one running late was Tseng...  
  
Elena: It's not like him to be late...  
  
Rude: Yeah, usually Reno always is.  
  
Reno: Hey! I'm on time today, that should count for something.  
  
Rude: Maybe he killed Tseng, so he could be the early one today.  
  
Elena:   
  
Reno: Hey, I didn't kill anyone! What is this?!  
  
Rude: Sure you didn't, Reno...  
  
Reno: I didn't!  
  
Elena: Relax Reno, we're just joking around...geez. But it really isn't like Tseng to be late like this...I wonder what's keeping him...?  
  
Inside of Tseng's room, he is getting ready for the mission. He's dressed in his Turk uniform, and is fixing his hair into the perfect style that he wears daily. He grabs his gun from out of his dresser and opens the door to see Elena, Reno and Rude all ready to go.  
  
Tseng: Good morning...a little early aren't we?  
  
Elena: Um, no Tseng...it's 8:30.  
  
Reno: Yeah we were supposed to be ready by 8:15.  
  
Rude:   
  
Tseng: But my watch says 8:12...that's odd. Well, sorry for the delay then. Let's get going.  
  
The group heads up to the balcony on the 70th floor, and gets in the helicopter that's waiting for them. Tseng gets in the pilot's seat, Elena takes the passenger side seat in the front, and Reno and Rude take the last two seats in the back. Once everyone gets buckled in, Tseng starts to fly them to Gongaga.  
  
Elena: Oh Midgar is so pretty in the morning...  
  
Reno: Yeah it sure is pretty...pretty ugly!  
  
Elena: Hey if you don't like it so much how come you live in it?!  
  
Reno: I never said I didn't like it-just that it was ugly. And besides, I've got a good job.  
  
Rude: You two argue too much you know that?  
  
Reno: Oh shut up Rude, this doesn't involve you!  
  
Rude: Excuse ME, I was just making a comment!   
  
Elena: Yeah Reno, you don't have to be so rude to Rude!  
  
Rude: Um Elena?  
  
Elena: Hey it's not my fault that's your name!  
  
Tseng:   
  
The group stops arguing and stares at Tseng, who's face has gone beet red.  
  
Reno: Sorry, geez...  
  
Tseng: One more word out of any of you and I'll throw you out of this helicopter! Understand?!?!  
  
Rude:   
  
Elena:   
  
Reno: ...................................(breaking into song) 99 sticks up Tseng's ass! 99 sticks up his ass!! Take one out, toss it about, 98 sticks up Tseng's ass!!!  
  
Rude rushes to put a hand over Reno's mouth, but it's too late.   
  
Tseng: That's IT!!!!!!  
  
Reno: Wow look at that-Tseng turns into Ifrit in 1.5 seconds, I bet that's a world record!  
  
Rude: Reno, shut up...please just shut up...  
  
Elena: (trying not to giggle) Reno!  
  
Tseng: Oh I'll turn into something MUCH worse if you ever say anything like that AGAIN!!!!!  
  
Reno: Or maybe Kjata, cause you see Tseng's nostrils flare up just like that big pig thing...or no, wait! I got it! He's Titan!   
  
Tseng: Now you're dead!!!  
  
Reno: I am? Where are all the pretty angels?  
  
Rude: Reno...now isn't the time to be joking...  
  
Elena: Hee hee hee...Rude's right Reno...hee hee!  
  
Tseng: I have had it with you!!!  
  
Tseng lunges for Reno, losing control of the helicopter.  
  
Elena: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! We're gonna crash!!!  
  
Rude: Can't you ever keep your big mouth shut, Reno?! Now look what you got us into!  
  
Reno is practically being strangled by Tseng, while the helicopter spirals toward the Gongagan forest below them. Elena and Rude hold on for dear life, and then it crashes. A half hour later...  
  
Reno: .....Ughhhhh where...am.......I?  
  
Elena: Reno? What's.......going on....?  
  
Rude:   
  
Reno struggles to his feet, and stands up with minor cuts and scrapes from the crash. He helps Elena and Rude to their feet and looks around for Tseng.  
  
Reno: Okay I am not responsible for this!  
  
Rude: Oh yes you are!  
  
Elena: Where's Tseng?  
  
Rude: He might be dead.  
  
Elena: Reno this is all your fault! I hate you! DIE!!!!!!!!  
  
Reno: Rude don't just stand there! Get your bald self over here and help me!  
  
Rude:   
  
Elena kicks and punches Reno until they all hear a loud growl and a blast noise.  
  
Elena: Wh-what was that?  
  
Reno: Beats me...  
  
Rude:   
  
Reno: Maybe it's Tseng...he might have turned into a mako monster or something.  
  
Elena: RENO!!!!!! IF HE DID IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!  
  
Reno: Okay! Sorry! Chill Elena! I highly doubt it is! I was just joking! Now who's the one who can't take a joke?  
  
Rude: Alright we can stay here and you two can continue to argue, or we can go and find out if there is something that's possibly attacking Tseng.  
  
Elena: Attacking?! No! I will not have anything hurting my Tsengy-poo!  
  
Reno and Rude stare at Elena as she takes off running toward the noise.  
  
Reno: So he still doesn't know that she likes him?  
  
Rude:   
  
Reno:   
  
Rude: My thoughts exactly...  
  
They follow Elena's choice of action and head to the forest, where the noise originated from. When they get there they see a tall figure with long, wild black hair standing in front of a floating creature that resembles a smaller version of the sun. The creature has two stubby arms, and a big jack-o-lantern-like face.  
  
Reno: Hey I didn't know they had pokemon here! Cool!  
  
Elena: Those aren't pokemon you idiot! That's Tseng and he's fighting that scary creature!  
  
Reno: That guy is Tseng? Looks kinda like Goku from the hair...  
  
Elena: This isn't DBZ either! And what is that scary thing?!  
  
Rude: That scary creature is a Bomb, Elena. That must be why we heard the blast sound...  
  
Reno: Maybe we should go help him.  
  
Rude: Good idea, Reno.  
  
Elena: Yeah, I'm surprised you even had any.  
  
Reno: Oh shut up, Elena.  
  
They run over to Tseng who has just shot at and missed the Bomb.  
  
Rude: Need help?  
  
Tseng: What does it look like?   
  
Reno: No need to get snappy Tseng...you know, people who-  
  
Tseng: Save it, Reno.  
  
Reno: Do any of you guys have a memory card?  
  
Rude: Reno now would be another great time to shut up...  
  
Elena: Focus on the battle for once, will you?  
  
Reno:   
  
Bomb:   
  
Reno: Baarrrrrrr!!!!!! Oh yeah, when this is over that's where I'm going! To the bar!  
  
Rude: Count me in!  
  
Elena:   
  
Tseng:   
  
The group steps back when they see Tseng rushing toward the floating monster. Elena keeps her gun ready though, just in case the creature gets an advantage at some point during this stage of the battle. Tseng shoots at it but the creature still floats in front of him.  
  
Tseng:   
  
Elena: Here, let me try!  
  
Elena also tries to kill it with gunfire, but the effects are minimal. Reno pulls a green materia orb out of his pocket and motions for them to step back.  
  
Reno:   
  
Rude:   
  
Tseng: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THAT'S THE WRONG ELEMENT!!!!  
  
Reno: Oh yeah...oops. Sorry...  
  
Rude brings out his own materia orb and steps in front of Reno.  
  
Rude:   
  
The giant Bomb has no more life left, and can't even do it's self-destruct move before it dies. So the group escapes, unharmed...for the most part anyway.  
  
Tseng: My hair...  
  
Reno:   
  
Tseng: What's so damn funny?! This is all your fault, Reno! Don't you realize that?!  
  
Reno: Yeah! That's why I'm laughing!  
  
Tseng: Grrr.........if my hair ever goes back to normal-  
  
Reno: Which hopefully it won't-  
  
Tseng: You are going to wake up one morning with a five-inch mohawk on the top of your head with the sides shaved BALD!  
  
Reno:   
  
Rude: Sorry sir...but I don't think you're making the impact you want on him.  
  
Tseng:   
  
Elena: Come on Tsengy...I'll help you get fixed up at the village, and then you and I can make dinner together!  
  
Tseng: (while being dragged away by Elena) I have no clue what I did to deserve this...someone in heaven must seriously hate me...!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*The End!*~  
  
Author's Notes: Hmm...I think this is the shortest one I have written so far...I hope that's okay. Thanks to those of you who reviewed the previous chapter! For right now, I won't be working on the next chapter of this story-since I am still working on some better ideas for it. I WILL update this later on though, so check back often, please? I just won't update as fast as I have before. Thank you once again to everyone who has reviewed! Hope you like this chapter!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Rude's Bad Hair Day!

Disclaimer: If you honestly think I own the rights to FF7, then you can write Square and try to convince them so. (They've stopped answering all of my emails…)

Notes: I remember awhile back someone challenged me to do one of these chapters for Rude…well I accept!!! This one goes out to all the fans of the only bald Turk!

In the conference room on the 66th floor of the Shinra Building, Tseng stood glaring at the clock. He had spent the last 48 hours going over the paperwork for the latest mission and was more than ready to share the information with his colleagues…but apparently, one of them didn't think it was important enough to even bother showing up for the meeting!

And that wasn't even the half of it. The only member unaccounted for was the only one who took his job as seriously as the President! It just didn't make sense! Before Tseng could page said member for the third time, the conference room door opened and in walked a cloaked figure.

Tseng: "You're late…"

Rude: "I'm sorry…the elevator…was stuck."

Reno: "Sure it was…"

Rude: "It was!"

Reno: "Alright! Geez! I was only kidding…"

Tseng: "Enough. We need to start the meeting."

Reno: "(completely ignoring Tseng) so…who's the lucky lady?"

Tseng: "RENO!"

Reno: "Whaaaaaaaatt?!"

Tseng: "I would like to start this meeting sometime today, if possible!"

Reno: "Sure thing, boss."

Tseng: "Thank you. Now…"

Reno: "When?"

Tseng: "Gahhh!!"

Elena: "Reno! Quit playing around!"

Reno: "Oh fine! Go on…"

Tseng took a few deep breaths before continuing. "First thing's first….this is going to be a different sort of mission than what you all are used to."

Reno: "Do we all get ominous-looking cloaks like Rude?!"

Tseng: "No, Reno…but while we're on that subject, Rude could you please remove that article of clothing? It is not included in the 'proper business attire' category of the Shinra Code of Conduct."

Rude shifted uncomfortably before speaking. "I…can't, sir."

Tseng: "Oh? And why not?"

Rude: "Because…"

Tseng: "Yes?"

Rude: "…….."

Reno: "I know why he can't…"

Tseng looked skeptically at Reno, but nodded his head for the other Turk to continue.

Reno: "It's because he's finally partaking in his role as a Jenova Clone! I bet you've grown a whole bunch of silver hair under that hood, haven't you Rude?"

Reno reached over to throw back the hood but Rude shrank back from his outstretched hand.

Rude: "It's nothing like that, Reno..."

Reno: "Then why can't you take the cloak off? Are you nude, Rude? Hey that rhymes! Nude Rude!! Nude Rude!! Rude's a prude about being nude!!"

Tseng: "Reno, you are not helping! Rude, if you have acceptable attire beneath that cloak, I order you to remove the cloak at once!"

Reno: "Besides…we're your best friends! You shouldn't hide stuff from us!"

Elena: "Well…he's got a point there…"

Rude shifts from foot to foot again before shrugging. "Okay! Just…don't say I didn't warn you! This isn't pretty!"

The group nods and Rude discards the cloak. The other Turks are silent for a moment before Reno shatters the peace with an ear-splitting scream.

Rude: "You see! I told you!"

Reno regains his composure and sits down in one of the nearby chairs. "I'm just kidding…now really; what is all of this about?"

Rude: "Don't you see it?!"

Elena: "See what?"

Rude: "The hair!!"

Reno blinks and then shakes his head. "Nope…you're as bald as ever."

Rude rolls his eyes and then points to his chin. "Not there! Here!"

Elena: "Well, _duh_! That's the same goatee you've had for years!"

Reno: "Yeah, man. Please don't tell me you're _just_ now noticing that."

Rude: "No!!! That's not what I'm referring to at all!"

Tseng: "Then what _are_ you referring to?"

Rude looks over to his boss and then lowers his gaze in shame. Sniffling, he points once again to a spot on his goatee. "…This!"

Reno stares blankly at his sobbing teammate before grabbing a magnifying glass from the table and holding it up to Rude's chin.

Reno: "Well, from what I can tell, it looks the same as it always does, except for…oh NO! Rude…man, I am so sorry…"

Rude: "It's…okay…"

Elena: "What?! What is it?!"

Reno: "It's…oh; I can't bring myself to say it!"

Reno puts his face in his hands and looks away. Tseng taps his foot, waiting for the redhead to continue, but when he doesn't, Tseng slams his fist on the table. "Well, you had better explain, Reno, because if you don't, you aren't getting your next paycheck!"

Reno: "OkayIhavenoideawhat'swrongwithhim,Ijustmadethatup."

Tseng: "Surprise, surprise…well then, Rude, would you care to elaborate?"

Rude wipes his eyes and then answers timidly. "There's…a hair out of place, sir."

Tseng: "Excuse me, what was that?"

Rude: "I said there's a hair out of place, sir."

Tseng stares blankly at Rude for a few moments, finally prompting Reno to start making faces at him to see if he's in a trance. Once he snaps out of it, he lets out a long sigh. "I…see…"

Without any further comments, Tseng starts packing all of his materials back inside his briefcase.

Elena: "Tsengy? What are you doing?"

Tseng: "Resigning."

Reno: "COOL!!"

Elena glares at the grinning Turk before continuing. "But why, Tsengy?! Don't you love us?"

Tseng stops packing and glares at her. "Is the sky green?"

Elena stops and thinks for a minute, but Reno beats her to the answer. "Well, actually…with all of the smog that the mako reactors belch out everyday, the sky does have a greenish tint to its appearance."

Tseng: "YOU SEE?! THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!! YOU PEOPLE DRIVE ME CRAZY!!"

Rude: "I thought we were talking about the color of the sky?"

Tseng: "GAHHH!!!!!!"

Grabbing his briefcase, Tseng runs screaming to the window and jumps out of the building.

Reno: "…Well, that was uncalled for…"

Rude: "………He does realize that he just jumped out of a window on the 66th floor, right?"

Reno: "I dunno. If he doesn't…then I'm sure it will HIT him in a few minutes!"

Elena: "Reno! This is your entire fault!"

Reno: "MY fault?! Please! He probably drank some of Hojo's coffee recently and now it's catching up to him…he'll be okay…"

Elena: "Well…what should we do about the mission he was trying to tell us about?"

Reno: "Order pizza and forget about it?"

Rude: "I'm in…"

Elena glares at the two of them, but seeing that she is outnumbered, gives in with a muttered "fine".

Rude: "After that, can we resolve my hair catastrophe?"

Reno: "Sure thing, man."

Rude nods happily and then takes a seat at the table as Reno dials the number for the pizza shop. Little did Rude realize what Reno had in mind to solve the problem…

**Two hours later…**

After a stuffed Elena had retired to her quarters and Rude had passed out on the couch…

Reno crept over and shaved off his goatee. "There you go! Problem solved! Heh heh…that's what you get for not letting me have the last bottle of gel in the store!"

With a feeling of great accomplishment in mind, Reno left for his own quarters as Rude slept on peacefully.

**The following morning…**

After awaking feeling refreshed and ready to tackle whatever obstacles the day presented, Rude got up and headed toward the Shinra employee bathrooms. With a little luck, he had slept his bad hair problem away. The view that greeted him when he looked in the mirror proved he had done a little more than that…

"AIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Inside one of the stalls, Reno snickered evilly. At last, all was right with the world once again…

The end!

Notes: Hee hee!! That was fun to write! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did! And don't worry…Rude's hair will grow back………someday……..um, yeah…anyway….gotta go! :)


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